Two simple rules for helping control bullying:
- Remove the insecurity your child feels, because bullies thrive on that
- Make bullies accountable
These two rules can be implemented with these 4 simple steps from family and child therapist Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW in his “Stop Bullying Now” program. Unruh is also the author of the book “Unleashing the Power of Parental Love: 4 Steps to Raising Joyful and Self-Confident Kids.”
“School programs aren’t working, parents don’t know what to do, and children are being damaged. There’s no escaping bullying; it’s 25/8, thanks to cyberspace technology,” he says.
The approach is more parent-led than school or teacher-led. His four simple steps include:
- Parents help train their children to manage bullies
- Children stand up to bullies
- Parents demand their teachers and principals support bullying protection
- Parents closely monitor social networking
Step 1:
Parents train their kids by providing a lot more support than normal. The groundbreaking cornerstone of Unruh’s program is what he calls “unleashing parental love” approach.
His example is instead of saying “That’s rough to be called gay; you’ll just have to walk away and ignore him,” you can use it as an opportunity to discuss: “Tell me more,” and “I’d feel awful if that happened to me.”
Keep them talking for 5 to 10 minutes to engage them about their feelings. Unruh recommends warm vocal tone and facial expression and hugs as critical. He does warn that if you hear words like “Life’s not worth living” you should seek counseling for your child immediately because he or she may be having suicidal thoughts.
Once you lay that supportive foundation for your child, you start to train them to deal with the bullies, says Unruh. Ignoring does not work – standing up to them does.
His three essential tips:
- A physical posture that shows your child’s strength and confidence such as making eye contact and standing up straight and tall
- Making one-line comments that are humorous or ask a question – although they must avoid any hurtful comments
- Walk away after you’ve made the statement confidently
Uhruh says to stress that this may not immediately make the bullying stop but now your child is in control, not the bully. He recommends role playing daily with your child to help build confidence before he or she engages the bully.
Step 2:
Children stand up to the bully. After daily role-play at home, your child is ready to take it to school or wherever they are being bullied. After the engagement, parents must help their child celebrate their engagement and keep practicing for the next time.
Step 3:
Parents must work with their child’s teachers and principal to seek protection from the bully. Unruh recommends meeting them face-to-face to establish an anti-bullying program for their child specifically (not just the school’s general program). Make sure this is documented in writing with copies going to both the principal and the parents.
Unruh says parents must require two elements: confrontation of the bully in front of the bullied child and some consequences must occur for the bully. This approach may need to involve the entire class or group of children being affected. Schools need to encourage students to report ongoing bullying and schools should be required to document all incidents.
Step 4:
If being bullied is a problem for your child, parents should eliminate all internet social networking until the issue is resolved. Gradually bring it back in once the problems have subsided.
Unruh’s program usually clears up any issues within 3 weeks. “The program works because it addresses two major requirements for controlling bullying: the child becomes stronger and more confident (bullies thrive on insecurity), and the bully is made accountable,” he says. If after 3 weeks the issue are not resolve or significantly decrease, he recommends seeking counseling.
About Gary Unruh
(from his website) Gary M. Unruh, MSW LCSW has been a child and family mental health counselor for nearly forty years. During that time he and his wife, Betty, have been blessed to raise four beautiful children, and he is a very proud “papa” of seven terrific grandchildren. For two years, he learned a lot about what kind of care clients respond to best when he was the CEO of a mental-health managed-care company for Colorado Blue Cross and Blue Shield.
He has developed “results-oriented therapy” — therapy that identifies exactly what behaviors the parents want changed by the end of treatment. This therapy provides practical, successful, step-by-step instructions that really work; and explains why children and parents behave the way they do.